She believed she could, so she did. A cancer patient journey

 It's been a while since I have taken the time to do an update. There really hasn't been much to update on. Until recently. For a while my pet scans were showing the same thing. Still activity. Nothing that was really alarming. Treatment seemed to be working. Left me still feeling tired and naturally I would have good days and not so good days. My latest pet scan showed that I have no signs of cancer. The oncologist said that if my next pet scan comes back clear then we are going to end treatment. It's such an unreal feeling to know that possibly soon there really is going to be an end in sight. It's been almost two years. There was a lot of times I wasn't sure how I was going to get through this. Sometimes it just seemed like beating this was going to be impossible. I questioned a lot if I was going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life. I know that in some way or another I will be but if I can start putting my life back to normal, or what normal might be...

 My scan results have come back and while they weren't the results I was hoping for they could have been worse. There are the two spots still but they have shrunk so that's a plus. She says the treatment is working and that I will just stay on it indefinitely for now. That of course can change if/when we get to the point that there is no longer any cancer. So while I am not thrilled and was more than a little upset originally, I have come to terms with it and accepted it. Keep pushing forward and keep hoping for the best. She has scheduled my next scan for August so keeping fingers crossed that there is more shrinkage of the tumors by then. 

 I have an upcoming pet scan scheduled for this week. So instead of anxiety in the cancer world it's called scanxiety. Being anxious of what the outcome of the petscan will be. I'm not overly anxious or nervous. By now it's a bit of a normal for me. The waiting. The wondering. Having the scan done. I'm not saying that it isn't stressful, the waiting, because it is. But to me it's just the norm now. Along with all the poking and prodding. As always though I am hopeful that this scan will show that the latest spot that lit up has either stayed the same or gone away. Either way, whatever the outcome will be, I will handle it the same way I have handled everything else so far. With positivity. Positivity with a little dash of meltdown here or there added in. Whatever the outcome, this is just another stop on my journey. Another page in this chapter. 

 Some days I can't tell the difference. Or if there really is even a difference between the two. In my head I know that there is. My mind knows. My heart knows. That doesn't get rid of the guilt that I can feel. I have good days. Days that I can accomplish so much. Walk the dogs, clean the house, do laundry, work around the yard, do my shopping and even do some cooking. At the end of the day yes I am tired but I feel good. Then there are days that I am just getting by. Going to work and coming home. I feel like I am having a lot more of those days lately. I know that being fatigued is one of the side effects of immunotherapy but it still sucks. I'd like to have abundance of energy every day. The energy to get up and tackle the day. It just doesn't happen. Added to that lately I've been starting to feel sore. I tell myself this may be because I am not as active as I have been. So then I try to get up and move around more, exercise more. I think to myself that this wi...

 There is so much that I have to say, to get off my chest. So much has been going on and I know that I made this so I could come here and chart my journey. A journey that I had hoped wouldn't last long. I am not sure that is the case. I had my recent pet scan an  hot spot so upon further testing found that it was an enlarged lymph node. I am scheduled for a biopsy on the 19th. I am not sure what this means for me and my treatment plan. Does this mean that Opdivo is not working? I had hoped that this would work and that I'd do my year and be done with the cancer. That may still be true if this biopsy comes back negative for it being cancer. In my heart though I don't feel that is going to be the case. I have read so many people say how it just keeps coming back. Honestly, I can handle that. I can handle it coming back as long as we keep fighting it and that it doesn't take me. I'm not ready to travel down that road. I still have fight left in me even if some days it ...

 It's been a while since I have written. I'd like to say that it's been because I have been so busy but truthfully it's just cause I haven't known what to say. What to really write about. Things are going about as good as they can go. I have had four immunotherapy treatments. The treatments themselves aren't so bad. It takes about thirty minutes. They have left me feeling pretty tired and not altogether feeling that great. Some days are worse than others. Like right now I am feeling a little queasy. It can come on really fast. I suppose though if that is what it is going to take for me to feel better and be okay in the long run then I will have to deal with it. I had my first post surgery pet scan on Friday. I get the results on Tuesday. I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that the report comes back good. It's hard not to worry about it. Or to make people understand my worry. In the end they aren't the ones dealing with it. So how can they really un...