She believed she could, so she did. A cancer patient journey

I wonder if I am ever going to be able to eat normally again. I can't tell you how long it's been since I have had anything to eat without either having difficulty swallowing or throwing it back up. I know it's been a long time. I told myself starting chemo will shrink the tumor and I'll be able to eat without having to use the feeding tube or choking on food. Now I've done chemo and radiation and everything is all inflamed and my stomach is all kinds of messed up so I am stuck having trouble swallowing again and even if I am able to it doesn't stay down very long. I have been awfully sick. The radiology oncologist says that this will last a couple of weeks before I start getting better. In the meantime it sucks because I constantly feel sick and hungry. I guess that is a good sign. Being hungry. Just not being able to eat. Smoothies and soft foods are my go to foods right now. I can only keep counting down the days till I start to feel normal again. Or as norma...

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. DO. THIS. ANYMORE.

I get asked a lot about my initial reaction to being told I have cancer. How did I feel? How did the doctor tell me? Did I suspect I had cancer? I still sometimes think to myself that this is all just a huge nightmare. I'll wake up at any moment because this isn't something that is suppose to happen to me. I don't deserve this. The truth is nobody deserves cancer and cancer doesn't wait. It doesn't pick and choose who it infects. My initial reaction was shock, dismay. Never denial. I remember being told that I had a malignant tumor and immediately started crying. I just kept thinking the worst. I kept thinking that I am going to die. I wouldn't be able to beat this. I know those were not healthy thoughts but those were the immediate thoughts that went through my head. I knew that we didn't have a lot of information in those first few days, just knew it was a tumor and a pretty big one at that. Those first few days while waiting to see the oncologist and have...

It's been a bit since I have taken the time to sit down and write here. That reason being I have started radiation as well as chemo and it really has kicked my ass. It has taken my exhaustion to a whole new level and has left me pretty much sleeping a lot of the time. Some days I don't even get out of bed. And if I do, I simply move to the couch and sleep there. I typically go out for treatment and then home. Over the past weekend, 4th of July weekend, I went over to my dads to help set up for the family get together on Friday and then on Saturday for the 4th. I spent the next two days straight in bed barely staying awake. By the end of the night on the 4th I was so exhausted I could barely function. It can get to be fairly frustrating and take a toll on you mentally. I have had to keep telling myself that this isn't permanent. I only have a week and a half of radiation left and one last chemo left. They said it'll take a few weeks for the radiation exhaustion to work i...