" You are strong enough to face it all, even if it doesn't feel like it right now"

 There is so much that I have to say, to get off my chest. So much has been going on and I know that I made this so I could come here and chart my journey. A journey that I had hoped wouldn't last long. I am not sure that is the case. I had my recent pet scan an  hot spot so upon further testing found that it was an enlarged lymph node. I am scheduled for a biopsy on the 19th. I am not sure what this means for me and my treatment plan. Does this mean that Opdivo is not working? I had hoped that this would work and that I'd do my year and be done with the cancer. That may still be true if this biopsy comes back negative for it being cancer. In my heart though I don't feel that is going to be the case. I have read so many people say how it just keeps coming back. Honestly, I can handle that. I can handle it coming back as long as we keep fighting it and that it doesn't take me. I'm not ready to travel down that road. I still have fight left in me even if some days it doesn't seem like it. Some days I do just want to quit, to give in but I know that isn't an option for me. It never will be. I'll keep fighting this till the day I die naturally. Years and years down the road. Peacefully in my sleep. 

It can be frustrating sometimes though, having to deal with all of this. All of the treatments, the tests, procedures, all of the blood work and needles. The waiting. The waiting is the worst of it all. Since the results of my pet scan and trying to get everything taken care of it'll be a month before the procedure and then several more days before answers. The waiting gives me way to much time to over think. To over analyze everything. Obviously that isn't a healthy thing to do. I know. It's hard not to. I suppose that's why it is so good for me to be able to come here and write everything down here. I think I need to do it more often. I also know that it would probably be a very good idea for me to talk to someone professionally. I keep putting that off. I am not sure I am really ready to go down that road and open myself up to someone that way. It would obviously be very beneficial for me to do so. 

I had treatment on Friday. The treatment itself isn't so bad. It lasts about 30 minutes. I normally end up tired within a few hours and the following days I am pretty tired. I get pretty nausea for several days. The thought of food turns my stomach. I get sick if I walk around too much. A motion sickness type of thing. Luckily it only lasts a few days. I know that I am very lucky in regards to some other people. I don't take that for granted and am very grateful that I have been as blessed as I have been. 

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