She believed she could, so she did. A cancer patient journey

 Recovery is a process. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes everything you've got.  I am three and a half months post surgery. I am nine and a half months into this cancer battle. I have had good days. I have had bad days. I have had okay days. I've even had days where I want to just give up. I think to myself that I can't do anymore. I can't handle anymore. I hate being sick. I want to be able to eat and not feel like I am going to vomit everything and then some from inside my stomach. I am just starting my year long immunotherapy treatment. Something I have come to realize is that while I am recovering from surgery, recovering my radiation and chemo. Recovery isn't just related to those things. Recovery can be so much more.  I have days where I feel so down. So frustrated. So scared. I try hard not to dwell on those feelings. I try hard not to even let myself think of those things. But I do. It's hard for those that aren't physically going through i...

 It's been a bit since I have posted. So much has been going on. I am three months post surgery. I am doing really well. Mild pain but I am able to tolerate it without medication. I have begun my immunotherapy treatment and I get mildly sick from that but aside from that there haven't been any side effects. I've gone back to work. Been back for a few weeks now. I am only working part time which is good. I needed to get back to work. I was losing my damn mind staying home all the time. My mind can be a terrible place to live in sometimes. Especially when I have been home for so long and am feeling relatively well. I try to get out every day and exercise. I do pretty well with that. I am up to about 2 1/2 miles a day. Which is really good. I don't tire like I use to when I first started out. I remember when I first started exercising again after surgery that I could barely make it three houses. Now I am managing to go miles. I know that I still have a long ways to go befo...

 Day 257 of being held prisoner: That's how I feel sometime's. Mostly so when I am feeling halfway decent. Which lately I have been. Not saying that I don't have moments because I do. Boy oh boy do I. I still get sick a lot when I eat. I have been keeping track of what makes me sick and I am really leaning towards that I may need to eat snack type foods versus small meals. I made banana and apple chips and can handle those pretty well. Also cereal. Water is a must have for me. It seems to settle my stomach down. Granted the being sick isn't as bad as it was so my hopes is that eventually it'll all settle down. Every week gets better.  Hopefully by the end of the year I'll be able to eat half way normal again.  I am going to start an immunotherapy called Opdivo. We are waiting to see if the compassionate care program will cover the cost of the drug because it's in phase 2 and 3 of trials. My oncologist told me that they have had very good success with it. I a...

 Someone posed a very good question today.  Did I feel trapped?  Both yes and no. I say that because sometime's I do feel trapped and other times I don't. I guess amid all of the pandemic and everything else yes in some ways I am trapped. At the beginning of the pandemic everything was closing down and you were limited on where you could go. Plus nobody wanted someone like me, and by that I mean with a compromised immune system due to the cancer, going anywhere in case that I caught the virus. I have been very lucky and blessed and I have not caught the disease. So in the sense of the pandemic yes I suppose we are all trapped.  If you are speaking do I feel trapped because of the cancer then I am not entirely sure how to answer that. In some ways yes because I am trapped here in my body with this awful disease. I can't just snap my fingers and it all be gone. Here I am dealing with this disease in my body, battling this cancer and that's not something that anyone oth...

 It's been over a month since my surgery. I should have taken the time to sit down and write long before now. Why I haven't I can't say. It may because I just haven't felt that I have had much to say. What to report. How to report everything. I suppose mostly it has been because I have been trying to digest everything that is going on. Just trying to get through each day. It's been a bit of a struggle to say the least. Obviously surgery was a success or I wouldn't be sitting here writing today. I spent six days in ICU and 12 days total in the hospital. I recovered much better than they expected and they were very pleased. The surgery itself was long. They removed all of the cancer but unfortunately since there was still cancer present in the lymph nodes that means some more chemo. My oncologist has been giving me some time to recover before moving forward with treatment. She isn't exactly sure what she wants to do but she is a good oncologist and will figure...

 .... and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even the dogs. All the bags were packed by the door with care in hopes that the bag man would carry them all. Yep, that's about all I have for that. Tomorrow is the day. The day that with great hope and prayers that all my cancer will be out. Everything is ready to go except for my laptop which is what I am writing on. I'll pack that here in just a few minutes. I have had one of my pre surgery drinks. I have one more to go tonight and I have another that has to be drunk 4 hours before surgery. I have to be at the hospital by 5:00am. Surgery is scheduled for 5:30. How do I feel about all of this? Obviously I have some nerves. I am not nervous but I would be a fool not to feel something. This is a big surgery. It's life changing. There is so much that I won't be able to do. Lay down flat. Eat certain things. I'll always have some amount of pain. Nothing bad but they are shifting and moving around so much...

 It's been a bit since I have written. I haven't really had to much to say and then once I realized that I did the ball started moving so fast that I have just kind of waited until everything has settled down. Figured I would write everything down in one decent sized entry.  I finished my 6 weeks of chemo/radiation. It wasn't awful but it wasn't a breeze either. I know that I am very lucky that I don't have it as bad as some other people do. Even with my oncologist hitting my cancer aggressively. I ended up being pretty nauseous throughout the treatment and really sick that final week. I was praying to the porcelain gods several times a day. That was probably the roughest of it all. It's obviously not something that I would ever want to go through again but I can be thankful that it wasn't worse.  I did the chemo/radiation and then had my 3 week wait period before I went for my next pet scan. Waiting is hard. It's hard because so many things go through y...

I wonder if I am ever going to be able to eat normally again. I can't tell you how long it's been since I have had anything to eat without either having difficulty swallowing or throwing it back up. I know it's been a long time. I told myself starting chemo will shrink the tumor and I'll be able to eat without having to use the feeding tube or choking on food. Now I've done chemo and radiation and everything is all inflamed and my stomach is all kinds of messed up so I am stuck having trouble swallowing again and even if I am able to it doesn't stay down very long. I have been awfully sick. The radiology oncologist says that this will last a couple of weeks before I start getting better. In the meantime it sucks because I constantly feel sick and hungry. I guess that is a good sign. Being hungry. Just not being able to eat. Smoothies and soft foods are my go to foods right now. I can only keep counting down the days till I start to feel normal again. Or as norma...

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. DO. THIS. ANYMORE.

I get asked a lot about my initial reaction to being told I have cancer. How did I feel? How did the doctor tell me? Did I suspect I had cancer? I still sometimes think to myself that this is all just a huge nightmare. I'll wake up at any moment because this isn't something that is suppose to happen to me. I don't deserve this. The truth is nobody deserves cancer and cancer doesn't wait. It doesn't pick and choose who it infects. My initial reaction was shock, dismay. Never denial. I remember being told that I had a malignant tumor and immediately started crying. I just kept thinking the worst. I kept thinking that I am going to die. I wouldn't be able to beat this. I know those were not healthy thoughts but those were the immediate thoughts that went through my head. I knew that we didn't have a lot of information in those first few days, just knew it was a tumor and a pretty big one at that. Those first few days while waiting to see the oncologist and have...

It's been a bit since I have taken the time to sit down and write here. That reason being I have started radiation as well as chemo and it really has kicked my ass. It has taken my exhaustion to a whole new level and has left me pretty much sleeping a lot of the time. Some days I don't even get out of bed. And if I do, I simply move to the couch and sleep there. I typically go out for treatment and then home. Over the past weekend, 4th of July weekend, I went over to my dads to help set up for the family get together on Friday and then on Saturday for the 4th. I spent the next two days straight in bed barely staying awake. By the end of the night on the 4th I was so exhausted I could barely function. It can get to be fairly frustrating and take a toll on you mentally. I have had to keep telling myself that this isn't permanent. I only have a week and a half of radiation left and one last chemo left. They said it'll take a few weeks for the radiation exhaustion to work i...

Cancer is such a horrible ugly disease. I can't even begin to tell you how it makes one feel. Unless you are going through it or have gone threw it then you can't really ever understand. You can only imagine. That doesn't even compare. The risk for suicide among patients with cancer rises significantly the first year after the diagnosis. I can see and understand why some people who have been diagnosed with cancer end up taking their lives. It's not always about the financial burden or having their loved ones see them potentially die. It's about how it really makes you feel. You aren't able to do the things that you use to do. Getting up in the morning is a task in itself. Doing laundry, or cleaning takes everything out of you. All the doctor's tell you that you need to try to do something every day to keep yourself going. Take a short walk, create a project and finish it. They say it like it's all so simple. I know they know it's not. It's part o...

I started my radiation treatment this week. The worst side effects are the nausea and the fatigue. The fatigue is probably the worst. It amazes me how easily I become tired. Down to the bone drained. I can't do the things that I use to do. It can be very frustrating. I don't have the strength or the energy. I know that the further along in radiation that I go, the worse the effects will be. I'm not looking forward to that but I know that it's a part of the process. It brings me down though. The simple act of going to the store and walking around shopping can wear me out to the point that I have to come home and can't do anything else the rest of the day. I have to think about what I have planned the next day and see if I can manage to even do it. Tomorrow is Father's Day and I am suppose to drive out to my moms and there is a huge part of me that is just dreading the thought of it because right now I feel so exhausted and I know that tomorrow I'll probably f...

I am only a few days away from starting my second round of chemo treatments. This time it'll include radiation. I met with the radiology oncologist and had my napping CT scan done and my little blue radiation tattoos. I am waiting on word from the doctor after he looks over everything for final word on what approach they are going to take. The nurse told me today that they have two different treatment options they are looking at for me. He wanted to review my most recent pet scan and then would decide which plan would work best for me. I start my chemo on Monday. It's a different one from before. I'll go once a week every Monday. I don't know how this one will effect me. Then once I start radiation I'll go Monday-Friday for 25 sessions. He told me that I may have some slight pinking of the skin, may be a little sensitive. I might get a cough and shortness of breath in my lungs. He said the most severe would probably be the sore throat that I'd end up with. I...

I have no real title for this entry. I couldn't think of anything witty or funny to title it as. So sue me. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for these next several weeks. I have no idea how my body will react to this new chemo treatment and then adding in radiation as well. I may not feel any different at all. I may feel awful. I just know that I am glad this chemo treatment doesn't require me to wear Tag. My chemo pump. Don't get me wrong. I am glad that I had him and he helped to make me feel better but he was a pain to tote around. If I rolled over at night I'd have to roll him over too. Take a shower? Stick Tag outside the shower and make sure I don't move to far. Figure out how to slip the IV under my clothes. He. Was. A. Pain. But again, he made me feel better. I am trying to get everything I want done around the house finished before I start next week. I have started the painting in the living room. My goal is to be done with that by Tuesday. Then on We...

So my results have come back. My tumor has shrunk by over 50%. One of my lymph nodes is responding well to the cancer and the other well it's not responding that well. So with that being said my oncologist and the surgeon believe that there is still active and responsive cancer left in that lymph node and that doing surgery now is not the best course of action. The next step is going to be a radiation/chemo. Chemo will be once a week for 7 weeks and radiation will be Monday-Friday for 7 weeks. Their hope is that this will put me into remission before my surgery so that once I have my surgery and pathology comes back and hopefully comes back clean that I won't need anything else. I'll just have to take some time to recover following the surgery. I meet with the radiation doctor on Tuesday and I will start the following week. I guess I have several weeks of exhaustion and burning skin to look forward to. Not to mention whatever side effects come from the chemo that they are s...

Tomorrow is the day that I get the results from my Petscan on Friday. To say that I am a bundle of nerves is an understatement. I don't think there is anyone that has been or is in my shoes that wouldn't be nervous. I am trying to stay positive and focused. I keep telling myself that the results are going to be good. They'll come back cancer free. That chemo has worked and the tumor has shrunk. I hope at the least that they tell me that the tumor has shrunk. My oncologist told me when I was first starting out that she has had good luck with this type of chemo treatment and this cancer. So I am hoping that I am another one that this cancer has reacted very well to this treatment. I think for me I am glad for this next step because then it gives me an idea of what's coming next. I'll have more answers. There is still so many questions that I can't get answers to because it involves so many moving parts still. Hopefully then I will get some of the answers that I am...

Today I went and had my next pet scan done. I have an appointment with my oncologist on Monday to get the results. I am trying not to dwell on them or to even think of it possibly not being the results that I want and hope for. That is hard to do sometimes though. I want the results to come back that the tumor has shrunk and that there is no sign of cancer left in my lymph nodes. I know that maybe that is a lot to ask for but I don't think it is. I am just praying for the best. I feel a little guilty for my post from yesterday. Again though I know I shouldn't. I am allowed to have my thoughts. My best friend read it and told me that while she isn't physically going through this and can't understand what it's like for me but she is here for me. Today I got flowers from her. I had sent out a group message to my family updating them on what is going on and this morning my sister Alexis sent me a text message asking if I had ordered the canvas I wanted with a picture of...

How do I really feel about all of this? I can answer that in one word. Terrified. I am down to my bones terrified of everything that is going on. I expect that one would be given the circumstances. I am no different to that. I often get told that I have stayed pretty positive and in good spirits throughout this whole ordeal. I can say that is true. I try to at least. I put on a brave face and smile and act like everything is okay. The whole fake it till you make it comes to mind. I had my consult with my thoracic surgeon today. He truly pulled no punches when he laid out the surgery to me. It's a two surgeon surgery so I have had to meet with both surgeons. It's a very complicated and complex surgery that the recovery is going to possibly be very grueling. The appointment today is prompting me to write this. Mainly because I am absolutely terrified of the surgery. I'd opt out of doing it if I could. It's not an option though. Everyone says that it'll go good that ev...

I've been out of work since March 20th. My boss decided that I needed to concentrate on my health and worry about me first. It worked out because during this time we have been dealing with the whole covid-19 and I was suppose to be able to get unemployment. I was denied the first time and approved the second time but have been waiting on getting the funds. It's very frustrating because I have been relying on my parents for everything. My dad has been paying all my bills for me and giving me any spending money I might need. I hate asking because already he is doing so much. Both of my parents have and so has my stepdad and stepmom. I've started selling things that I am not using anymore around the house for extra spending money just so that I can have something to do. Right now I have been working on fixing up the house. Painting and what not. That way I stay busy and keep my mind off of being so frustrated that I don't have any money coming in. I am hoping that'll c...

I am out of treatment for the next month. At least. If all goes according to plan it'll be longer than that but I'll be having surgery. In the meantime with no work and no treatment to be going to, I have decided to tackle some home projects. I can use this time to spruce up my house. I want to paint the inside of my house. Clean up and work on my backyard so that I can enjoy sitting out back with my dogs. I want to work on the inside other than painting as well. I decided that I'll tackle these things one thing at a time. I have time since it doesn't seem like I'll be going back to work this year anyways. Today I started by painting the baseboards and door frames in my hallway. I had some extra white paint from when I painted my kitchen. I figured I'd start there and work my way around the house touching up all the white first. That way I have time to save up some money and do a little at a time while I also recoup my energy. I found a nice light soft green col...

Well I finished my last cycle of chemo for this course. There is a chance that I'll have to have more but I am really hoping that I won't have to. This round was really rough on me. Family members see me and will say things like " You have dark circles under your eyes" or "You look really rough today." " Boy you sure are pale." Only someone who has gone through chemo can understand what I am truly going through. The toll that it truly takes on your body. Not only physically but mentally as well. Physically it drains you. Leaves you feeling nausea, tired, sore. My side affects range from flat out sleeping all day exhaustion to nausea and for me the worst is the tingling in the hands and legs and whole body this time. I take a shower..wait scratch that...I don't have the energy half the time to take a shower anymore, it's one of the reasons I cut my hair so short, quicker to deal with. I take bathes. I can pour in some body wash or bubble bat...

'Twas the night before chemo when all through the house not a creature snored..not even the dogs. That's how I imagine the beginning of the book would start if I wrote a book based on the night before a chemo treatment. For me the day before chemo is a busy day. Mostly because I know how I will be for the next several days. Either A). spending quality time with my bed or B). My face spending quality time with the toilet. Either way.. The next several days are going to suck. I won't have much energy to do much of anything. I'll binge watch some shows. Right now it's The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. A pretty good show actually. It's on Amazon Prime for any of you who didn't know. But the day before my chemo treatment is spent getting any of the things I need to get done because like I said, I won't have that much energy. Today was no different. Here's a recap of my day: 7am: Woke up to Bailey wanting to go out. I tuned her out because let's face it.. 7am...

Hope If you only carry one thing throughout your entire life, let it be hope. Let it be hope that better things are always ahead. Let it be hope that you can get through even the toughest of times. Let it be hope that you are stronger than any challenge that comes your way. Let it be hope that you are exactly where you are meant to be right now, and that you are on the path to where you are meant to be...because during these times, hope will be the very thing that carries you through.                                                                        -Nikki Banas  

I am trying to mentally prepare myself for my fourth round of chemo on Wednesday. What do I do to prepare myself? Well I think to myself "  I really hate chemo. I don't want to go through another round." over and over again. Chemo is awful. It's a truly horrible experience. Granted I know that I have it easier than some of the people that I follow on my cancer support group. They REALLY go through it. I get nausea. I lose my sense of taste. It literally tastes like I have a dirty penny in my mouth. And no, I don't really know what a dirty penny taste like. I can speculate though. My whole body tingles and itches for about 3 hours after I start my treatment. Then for about a week afterwards anytime I touch anything cold it feels like my fingers are being frozen off. I can't eat anything cold. Actually I am lucky if I can eat anything at all because everything taste like cardboard. Let's not forget the exhaustion. Lord oh lord does it hit you like a freight ...

" One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide" Brene Brown There comes that time in most cancer patient's journey that they have to do that one thing. They reach that moment and it's that time. It's time to say good-bye to your hair. For some it comes quickly and painfully after you begin chemotherapy. For some other's it happens a little at a time and slowly. It can be an emotional moment for some and for other's a sort of right of passage in their journey. That moment came for me yesterday. I refused to let it be a moment of emotional wreck for myself. I said good-bye to my hair and embraced the short hair movement. I absolutely love it. It takes a little getting use to but I love that I can just shower and towel dry my hair and not even have to brush it out. For me the task of showering and watching my hair fall out slowly was mentally draining for me. Each time I shower...

I know, you'd think that everything about cancer is ugly. But it's not. Someday I'll write about that good side of cancer. Tonight though I feel the need to write about the ugly side. The side that drags me down. Sometimes it's hard to tell my parents how I really feel. I just say yeah I'm okay or I'm just tired. When in reality it's very taxing to deal with all of it. I know that I am not in this alone but they also aren't the ones going through it physically. They aren't the ones that have to figure out how to live day to day with this disease. I just finished my 3rd round of chemotherapy and it is absolutely draining. I want to go back to work and when I am home and not doing too much of anything I feel really good. I'm not overly tired, I can get up and around but once I am up and around it doesn't take much to leave me utterly exhausted. Not only does it leave me physically exhausted it leaves me mentally down as well. Today I went and h...

What's it like in the day of me right now? Well let me break it down for you. 7am: This tends to be the time that I start hearing the pitter patter of the paws. This typically comes from Bailey who likes to sleep in the living room and wake me up by doing her swing dance in the living room. In turn with my waking up Sandy and Tucker wake up and begin their morning routine of stepping on me, trying to roll over on me and sneeze in my face. Where is Lucy you ask? Oh she is on her dog bed trying her best to bury her head under the pillow and ignore us all. 8am: This is typically around the time I finally manage to roll myself out of bed and let the dogs out. I normally make something to eat. This all does depend on how I feel. If I'm not feeling the best and not sure if I am going to be able to keep it down then I forgo having breakfast. If I do eat then I make my breakfast and sit out on the back steps in the backyard with the dogs. Normally this means I have Bailey and Lucy ...

3/3/2020: That's the day that my battle begun. " You have a maligant tumor in your espoghagus." Those were the first words my doctor told me when I woke up from having an endoscopy. A five minute procedure that changed my life and put me on the path that I am now on. Those are the words that changed my life. Not the words that you want to hear when you first come out of a procedure. Not the words that anybody wants to hear. By Friday I was in seeing the oncologist working out my treatment plan. The following three weeks I had a petscan done, a feeding tube, blood transfusion and port placed followed by my first round of chemo. As you can tell treatment can move fast. Let's talk about my chemotherapy treatment for a moment. Four hours in office having two different chemotherapy drugs administered through my port followed by my friendly chemo pump, whom I named Tag since he gets to tag along with me for 46 hours administering a slow drip of medicine. I get to enjoy ...