She believed she could, so she did. A cancer patient journey

Tomorrow is the day that I get the results from my Petscan on Friday. To say that I am a bundle of nerves is an understatement. I don't think there is anyone that has been or is in my shoes that wouldn't be nervous. I am trying to stay positive and focused. I keep telling myself that the results are going to be good. They'll come back cancer free. That chemo has worked and the tumor has shrunk. I hope at the least that they tell me that the tumor has shrunk. My oncologist told me when I was first starting out that she has had good luck with this type of chemo treatment and this cancer. So I am hoping that I am another one that this cancer has reacted very well to this treatment. I think for me I am glad for this next step because then it gives me an idea of what's coming next. I'll have more answers. There is still so many questions that I can't get answers to because it involves so many moving parts still. Hopefully then I will get some of the answers that I am...

Today I went and had my next pet scan done. I have an appointment with my oncologist on Monday to get the results. I am trying not to dwell on them or to even think of it possibly not being the results that I want and hope for. That is hard to do sometimes though. I want the results to come back that the tumor has shrunk and that there is no sign of cancer left in my lymph nodes. I know that maybe that is a lot to ask for but I don't think it is. I am just praying for the best. I feel a little guilty for my post from yesterday. Again though I know I shouldn't. I am allowed to have my thoughts. My best friend read it and told me that while she isn't physically going through this and can't understand what it's like for me but she is here for me. Today I got flowers from her. I had sent out a group message to my family updating them on what is going on and this morning my sister Alexis sent me a text message asking if I had ordered the canvas I wanted with a picture of...

How do I really feel about all of this? I can answer that in one word. Terrified. I am down to my bones terrified of everything that is going on. I expect that one would be given the circumstances. I am no different to that. I often get told that I have stayed pretty positive and in good spirits throughout this whole ordeal. I can say that is true. I try to at least. I put on a brave face and smile and act like everything is okay. The whole fake it till you make it comes to mind. I had my consult with my thoracic surgeon today. He truly pulled no punches when he laid out the surgery to me. It's a two surgeon surgery so I have had to meet with both surgeons. It's a very complicated and complex surgery that the recovery is going to possibly be very grueling. The appointment today is prompting me to write this. Mainly because I am absolutely terrified of the surgery. I'd opt out of doing it if I could. It's not an option though. Everyone says that it'll go good that ev...

I've been out of work since March 20th. My boss decided that I needed to concentrate on my health and worry about me first. It worked out because during this time we have been dealing with the whole covid-19 and I was suppose to be able to get unemployment. I was denied the first time and approved the second time but have been waiting on getting the funds. It's very frustrating because I have been relying on my parents for everything. My dad has been paying all my bills for me and giving me any spending money I might need. I hate asking because already he is doing so much. Both of my parents have and so has my stepdad and stepmom. I've started selling things that I am not using anymore around the house for extra spending money just so that I can have something to do. Right now I have been working on fixing up the house. Painting and what not. That way I stay busy and keep my mind off of being so frustrated that I don't have any money coming in. I am hoping that'll c...

I am out of treatment for the next month. At least. If all goes according to plan it'll be longer than that but I'll be having surgery. In the meantime with no work and no treatment to be going to, I have decided to tackle some home projects. I can use this time to spruce up my house. I want to paint the inside of my house. Clean up and work on my backyard so that I can enjoy sitting out back with my dogs. I want to work on the inside other than painting as well. I decided that I'll tackle these things one thing at a time. I have time since it doesn't seem like I'll be going back to work this year anyways. Today I started by painting the baseboards and door frames in my hallway. I had some extra white paint from when I painted my kitchen. I figured I'd start there and work my way around the house touching up all the white first. That way I have time to save up some money and do a little at a time while I also recoup my energy. I found a nice light soft green col...

Well I finished my last cycle of chemo for this course. There is a chance that I'll have to have more but I am really hoping that I won't have to. This round was really rough on me. Family members see me and will say things like " You have dark circles under your eyes" or "You look really rough today." " Boy you sure are pale." Only someone who has gone through chemo can understand what I am truly going through. The toll that it truly takes on your body. Not only physically but mentally as well. Physically it drains you. Leaves you feeling nausea, tired, sore. My side affects range from flat out sleeping all day exhaustion to nausea and for me the worst is the tingling in the hands and legs and whole body this time. I take a shower..wait scratch that...I don't have the energy half the time to take a shower anymore, it's one of the reasons I cut my hair so short, quicker to deal with. I take bathes. I can pour in some body wash or bubble bat...

'Twas the night before chemo when all through the house not a creature snored..not even the dogs. That's how I imagine the beginning of the book would start if I wrote a book based on the night before a chemo treatment. For me the day before chemo is a busy day. Mostly because I know how I will be for the next several days. Either A). spending quality time with my bed or B). My face spending quality time with the toilet. Either way.. The next several days are going to suck. I won't have much energy to do much of anything. I'll binge watch some shows. Right now it's The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. A pretty good show actually. It's on Amazon Prime for any of you who didn't know. But the day before my chemo treatment is spent getting any of the things I need to get done because like I said, I won't have that much energy. Today was no different. Here's a recap of my day: 7am: Woke up to Bailey wanting to go out. I tuned her out because let's face it.. 7am...

Hope If you only carry one thing throughout your entire life, let it be hope. Let it be hope that better things are always ahead. Let it be hope that you can get through even the toughest of times. Let it be hope that you are stronger than any challenge that comes your way. Let it be hope that you are exactly where you are meant to be right now, and that you are on the path to where you are meant to be...because during these times, hope will be the very thing that carries you through.                                                                        -Nikki Banas  

I am trying to mentally prepare myself for my fourth round of chemo on Wednesday. What do I do to prepare myself? Well I think to myself "  I really hate chemo. I don't want to go through another round." over and over again. Chemo is awful. It's a truly horrible experience. Granted I know that I have it easier than some of the people that I follow on my cancer support group. They REALLY go through it. I get nausea. I lose my sense of taste. It literally tastes like I have a dirty penny in my mouth. And no, I don't really know what a dirty penny taste like. I can speculate though. My whole body tingles and itches for about 3 hours after I start my treatment. Then for about a week afterwards anytime I touch anything cold it feels like my fingers are being frozen off. I can't eat anything cold. Actually I am lucky if I can eat anything at all because everything taste like cardboard. Let's not forget the exhaustion. Lord oh lord does it hit you like a freight ...

" One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide" Brene Brown There comes that time in most cancer patient's journey that they have to do that one thing. They reach that moment and it's that time. It's time to say good-bye to your hair. For some it comes quickly and painfully after you begin chemotherapy. For some other's it happens a little at a time and slowly. It can be an emotional moment for some and for other's a sort of right of passage in their journey. That moment came for me yesterday. I refused to let it be a moment of emotional wreck for myself. I said good-bye to my hair and embraced the short hair movement. I absolutely love it. It takes a little getting use to but I love that I can just shower and towel dry my hair and not even have to brush it out. For me the task of showering and watching my hair fall out slowly was mentally draining for me. Each time I shower...

I know, you'd think that everything about cancer is ugly. But it's not. Someday I'll write about that good side of cancer. Tonight though I feel the need to write about the ugly side. The side that drags me down. Sometimes it's hard to tell my parents how I really feel. I just say yeah I'm okay or I'm just tired. When in reality it's very taxing to deal with all of it. I know that I am not in this alone but they also aren't the ones going through it physically. They aren't the ones that have to figure out how to live day to day with this disease. I just finished my 3rd round of chemotherapy and it is absolutely draining. I want to go back to work and when I am home and not doing too much of anything I feel really good. I'm not overly tired, I can get up and around but once I am up and around it doesn't take much to leave me utterly exhausted. Not only does it leave me physically exhausted it leaves me mentally down as well. Today I went and h...