Recovery

 Recovery is a process. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes everything you've got. 


I am three and a half months post surgery. I am nine and a half months into this cancer battle. I have had good days. I have had bad days. I have had okay days. I've even had days where I want to just give up. I think to myself that I can't do anymore. I can't handle anymore. I hate being sick. I want to be able to eat and not feel like I am going to vomit everything and then some from inside my stomach. I am just starting my year long immunotherapy treatment. Something I have come to realize is that while I am recovering from surgery, recovering my radiation and chemo. Recovery isn't just related to those things. Recovery can be so much more. 

I have days where I feel so down. So frustrated. So scared. I try hard not to dwell on those feelings. I try hard not to even let myself think of those things. But I do. It's hard for those that aren't physically going through it to understand. They can't understand the fear. They can't understand the frustration or the worry. It's the fear though that gets me. It's when I start thinking of the " What if cancer comes back?" " What if I can't beat it again?" It's those things that get me. It's those thoughts that terrify me. I try so hard not to think like that. I try hard to stay positive. I pray to god every night that my cancer is cured and gone. I pray every night and several times a day when I start thinking those thoughts that god is listening and that I can change the way that I am thinking. So I don't think recovery is just the physical aspect of things. I think recovery can be the emotional part as well. I think that sometimes that can even be so much harder than the physical part. 

I don't think that the emotional part for me is going to change over night. I think that even after several clean scans part of me will always worry. Cancer leaves you with that. My hope is just that someday I can find a way to cope with it. A good productive way. 

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