Just when you think it's over

 I have always known that there was always a chance that my cancer could come back. I had prepared myself for that. In my mind I always knew that. I didn't expect to get the news that I have gotten. Two brain tumors that formed pretty fast. From the time that I was diagnosed with them to the time that I had surgery was just over a week. Pathology reports show that I have a secondary cancer. Colorectal Cancer. I don't even know how to really process all of this information. I'm terrified. It's only natural to be terrified. I know that. It doesn't make me feel any better. My whole life changed getting this diagnosis. The tumors were removed but left me with some deficits. My right leg will never be the same again. I'll never be able to walk the same. My brain is still a little scattered and hard for me to remember things and to talk. They say that with some time my speech and memory will recover. Just not my leg. I try to act like it's okay. That I'll be okay. And I will. It'll take time for me to process everything and get use to my new normal. I have an AFO that helps me walk a little bit better. I stayed in inpatient rehab for a week and now outpatient rehab. I am also doing speech therapy as well. I have an appointment on Thursday with my oncologist to figure out what the plan is going to be. I already know that I have to go see my radiation doctor and have to have radiation. That doesn't scare me. Chemo scares me. Going through all of this again. Having to worry again about not being able to beat this. I know that it's not something that you should be thinking about. I know that I will be okay just like I was before. For now I am just going to take each day as it comes. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Scanxiety

 I have an upcoming pet scan scheduled for this week. So instead of anxiety in the cancer world it's called scanxiety. Being anxious of what the outcome of the petscan will be. I'm not overly anxious or nervous. By now it's a bit of a normal for me. The waiting. The wondering. Having the scan done. I'm not saying that it isn't stressful, the waiting, because it is. But to me it's just the norm now. Along with all the poking and prodding. As always though I am hopeful that this scan will show that the latest spot that lit up has either stayed the same or gone away. Either way, whatever the outcome will be, I will handle it the same way I have handled everything else so far. With positivity. Positivity with a little dash of meltdown here or there added in. Whatever the outcome, this is just another stop on my journey. Another page in this chapter. 
Read more

Pet scan day

Today I went and had my next pet scan done. I have an appointment with my oncologist on Monday to get the results. I am trying not to dwell on them or to even think of it possibly not being the results that I want and hope for. That is hard to do sometimes though. I want the results to come back that the tumor has shrunk and that there is no sign of cancer left in my lymph nodes. I know that maybe that is a lot to ask for but I don't think it is. I am just praying for the best. I feel a little guilty for my post from yesterday. Again though I know I shouldn't. I am allowed to have my thoughts. My best friend read it and told me that while she isn't physically going through this and can't understand what it's like for me but she is here for me. Today I got flowers from her. I had sent out a group message to my family updating them on what is going on and this morning my sister Alexis sent me a text message asking if I had ordered the canvas I wanted with a picture of...
Read more

My next steps

 I met with the oncologist on Thursday and then saw my radiation doctor on Friday. I was given quite a bit of information. Nothing that I don't feel like I can't handle. I'll start with the oncologist. My oncologist I really like. I feel like he actually listens to what I am saying and wants to make sure that I am understanding everything that I am being told. He tells me that I am not a statistic but a person. Which is very reassuring to hear. It turns out that there is not a second cancer. My esophageal cancer did migrate to my brain. This is very rare. He said that he has only had this happen one other time. The treatment plan is to do radiation. If not then the chances of it coming back is 60% as where if we do radiation the chances are 10%. Of course there is chances that there are cells throughout my brain so I will have to have frequent MRI's to make sure that nothing is growing. Now onto the radiation doctor. He is a great guy too. He said because of how big the...
Read more