The initial shock of my cancer diagnosis

I get asked a lot about my initial reaction to being told I have cancer. How did I feel? How did the doctor tell me? Did I suspect I had cancer? I still sometimes think to myself that this is all just a huge nightmare. I'll wake up at any moment because this isn't something that is suppose to happen to me. I don't deserve this. The truth is nobody deserves cancer and cancer doesn't wait. It doesn't pick and choose who it infects. My initial reaction was shock, dismay. Never denial. I remember being told that I had a malignant tumor and immediately started crying. I just kept thinking the worst. I kept thinking that I am going to die. I wouldn't be able to beat this. I know those were not healthy thoughts but those were the immediate thoughts that went through my head. I knew that we didn't have a lot of information in those first few days, just knew it was a tumor and a pretty big one at that. Those first few days while waiting to see the oncologist and have more tests done were probably some of the longest days of my life. Not just for me but I am sure for my family as well. Not knowing how bad it was. Had it spread. What were we going to do. All of those things just playing through your mind. By now more than half way through treatment. Almost done in fact. At least with the second course of treatments, I've adjusted to having this. I have moments where I am okay. Moments where it's like nothing is wrong and then when it all comes crashing back to me for a brief moment it's like a flood. I am starting to get angry. The whole treatment process and going through everything eventually starts to take it's toll on you. The constant not feeling well, being sick all the time, being tired no matter how much you sleep, all the appointments, all the treatments. These are things you don't think of when you process your diagnosis. Don't get me wrong.. You think of them but you don't really think of them. If in that initial moment of finding out my diagnosis, if I knew what I know now, I think I would have broken a lot harder than I did. I am glad that I didn't know all that I was about to go through. It's not a walk in the park. It's one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with and it goes without saying that it's something that no matter how long I'll never be able to forget how it feels. 

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