A time for honesty

 I've come here several times over the past two years and have talked about what's going on. I have tried to be honest all the time and in a positive mood. I still try that don't get me wrong. However ever since my second bout with cancer, this time has been much harder. My life has changed. I'm not the person that I use to be. I can't walk like I use to walk or even think like I use to. I try to stay positive and tell myself that things are going to be okay. I don't feel like that these past couple of days. It finally hit into me that who I was before I will never be that person anymore. I am seeing it more in myself every day and it is becoming hard for me to deal with. It's taking ( I'm sitting here trying to figure out the next word ) an emotional short on my mind. A horrible one. I try to stay positive and don't really tell anyone how I am feeling. I watch myself as I walk and I realize that I will never walk the way that I use to. I'll never be able to walk as fast as I once did, I'll never be able to walk the dogs like I use to. I have to look at the floor while I walk to make sure that I am setting safely. I have to watch every single step. I never had to do that before. Those steps take an effect on me. My mind is having a hard time too. I was thinking of another word that I wanted to use and I can say it in my mind but can't spell it and can't even think about how to figure that word out. This happens a lot to me. Even talking some words are hard to say. Sometimes having a conversation is hard for me to get the words out. It may seem like a simple thing but to me it wears me down and bothers me. I am trying to handle all of this and heal with it because it is a part of cancer but some days are really hard. I still try to act like I am okay but inside I really am not. I want to cry sometimes or scream. I know that there is a day that I will find a happiness with my new way. That day though isn't today. Or tomorrow. Or next week. I know this. I also know I'll find my own way.

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