Day to day feelings

 Where do I start? What do I say? Life isn't easy for me right now. Dealing with my recurrence has been difficult. Learning how to accept the new way I am going to have to live. Now I won't ever walk the way that I use to. Even think the way that I use to. Speaking the thoughts that are in my mind sometimes is difficult too. I have headaches all the time. All day long. Tylenol helps to limit it. I am trying every day to manage the days. Deal with each day as it comes. I know that how I walk and move around now isn't how I use to. I know that it will never be the old way. I go out almost every day and walk. Hoping that it will lead to me being able to walk better. I don't know if there is ever going to be a full recovery. I hope so. I hope deep down that it does. I also prepare myself for the fact that I will always walk with a limp and sometimes drag my foot. I am working hard on fixing that. I go to physical therapy once a week. She told me that my recovery is a year and I hope that within this year time frame that everything continues to get better. I know that if recovery is a year then that means that how I am during this year does not have to be the person that I am. I don't get to do the things that I usually do. I haven't been to Target to just got shopping, I haven't been to Bath and Body Works. I go to Publix just for the simple things that I need. I try to make things fast so that I can get in and out and not feel so crappy about myself. These last few days I have spent a lot of my days crying. Just crying because I don't like how I am. I don't like how I feel. It's hard to make anyone understand. To even understand or know how I feel. I am not sure I know how I really feel or how bad I really feel. A big part is that I want to live my life like I use to. The dogs for example. I can't walk them. They love going for walks but I can't control them safely if I can hardly walk like I am suppose to. I want to put my Christmas decorations out and this year I am not going to be able to. I didn't do Halloween or Thanksgiving. I haven't really cooked like I use to. I do a lot of things that I can just easily throw in the oven and be simple. I use to like making something nice for foods. The biggest part.. the crying all the time. The way that I have been feeling lately. Not sure how to accept everything. I am working on going to talk to a counselor. Some way to learn to accept myself and learn how to be okay with how I am going to be. I tried hard today to find a way for myself. I don't feel any better. I don't know when that is going to happen but I know that someday that it will. I can only hope that it does. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Scanxiety

 I have an upcoming pet scan scheduled for this week. So instead of anxiety in the cancer world it's called scanxiety. Being anxious of what the outcome of the petscan will be. I'm not overly anxious or nervous. By now it's a bit of a normal for me. The waiting. The wondering. Having the scan done. I'm not saying that it isn't stressful, the waiting, because it is. But to me it's just the norm now. Along with all the poking and prodding. As always though I am hopeful that this scan will show that the latest spot that lit up has either stayed the same or gone away. Either way, whatever the outcome will be, I will handle it the same way I have handled everything else so far. With positivity. Positivity with a little dash of meltdown here or there added in. Whatever the outcome, this is just another stop on my journey. Another page in this chapter. 
Read more

Pet scan day

Today I went and had my next pet scan done. I have an appointment with my oncologist on Monday to get the results. I am trying not to dwell on them or to even think of it possibly not being the results that I want and hope for. That is hard to do sometimes though. I want the results to come back that the tumor has shrunk and that there is no sign of cancer left in my lymph nodes. I know that maybe that is a lot to ask for but I don't think it is. I am just praying for the best. I feel a little guilty for my post from yesterday. Again though I know I shouldn't. I am allowed to have my thoughts. My best friend read it and told me that while she isn't physically going through this and can't understand what it's like for me but she is here for me. Today I got flowers from her. I had sent out a group message to my family updating them on what is going on and this morning my sister Alexis sent me a text message asking if I had ordered the canvas I wanted with a picture of...
Read more

My next steps

 I met with the oncologist on Thursday and then saw my radiation doctor on Friday. I was given quite a bit of information. Nothing that I don't feel like I can't handle. I'll start with the oncologist. My oncologist I really like. I feel like he actually listens to what I am saying and wants to make sure that I am understanding everything that I am being told. He tells me that I am not a statistic but a person. Which is very reassuring to hear. It turns out that there is not a second cancer. My esophageal cancer did migrate to my brain. This is very rare. He said that he has only had this happen one other time. The treatment plan is to do radiation. If not then the chances of it coming back is 60% as where if we do radiation the chances are 10%. Of course there is chances that there are cells throughout my brain so I will have to have frequent MRI's to make sure that nothing is growing. Now onto the radiation doctor. He is a great guy too. He said because of how big the...
Read more