The ugly truth

Cancer is such a horrible ugly disease. I can't even begin to tell you how it makes one feel. Unless you are going through it or have gone threw it then you can't really ever understand. You can only imagine. That doesn't even compare. The risk for suicide among patients with cancer rises significantly the first year after the diagnosis. I can see and understand why some people who have been diagnosed with cancer end up taking their lives. It's not always about the financial burden or having their loved ones see them potentially die. It's about how it really makes you feel. You aren't able to do the things that you use to do. Getting up in the morning is a task in itself. Doing laundry, or cleaning takes everything out of you. All the doctor's tell you that you need to try to do something every day to keep yourself going. Take a short walk, create a project and finish it. They say it like it's all so simple. I know they know it's not. It's part of their job to try to keep you going but it's not so easy for us cancer patients. Not when just getting up to go to radiation is a huge effort. Not when thinking that you have to do laundry, or clean the house, and let's not forget about the dogs. You have to walk them. All of those things seem so daunting when you have no energy. I know that I can ask for help and that any number of my family members will jump in. I have way to much support but it takes it's toll on you mentally to think that you have to ask for help to do something as simple as laundry. Even if you tell yourself a load a day, clean one room a day then it's still never ending. It feels like nothing gets done because you are so exhausted and worn out that it takes it's toll on your mind and then you are left feeling completely useless and worthless. Saturday night it was barely 6pm and I was laying in bed. My mood was so awful because this just isn't normal. It shouldn't be anyways, but in my case I know it is. It's my bodies way of telling me that I need rest and that I am healing. It doesn't make things easier and it doesn't make me feel any better. To me it's just another reminder of what this disease has taken from me. I have no desire to take the easy way out but when I say that I understand and can see why some do, I truly do. You are left feeling like a complete failure and miserable. The one thing I can tell myself and try to remind myself is that this is just a chapter in my life. Not my whole story. 

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