She believed she could, so she did. A cancer patient journey

 Some days I can't tell the difference. Or if there really is even a difference between the two. In my head I know that there is. My mind knows. My heart knows. That doesn't get rid of the guilt that I can feel. I have good days. Days that I can accomplish so much. Walk the dogs, clean the house, do laundry, work around the yard, do my shopping and even do some cooking. At the end of the day yes I am tired but I feel good. Then there are days that I am just getting by. Going to work and coming home. I feel like I am having a lot more of those days lately. I know that being fatigued is one of the side effects of immunotherapy but it still sucks. I'd like to have abundance of energy every day. The energy to get up and tackle the day. It just doesn't happen. Added to that lately I've been starting to feel sore. I tell myself this may be because I am not as active as I have been. So then I try to get up and move around more, exercise more. I think to myself that this wi...

 There is so much that I have to say, to get off my chest. So much has been going on and I know that I made this so I could come here and chart my journey. A journey that I had hoped wouldn't last long. I am not sure that is the case. I had my recent pet scan an  hot spot so upon further testing found that it was an enlarged lymph node. I am scheduled for a biopsy on the 19th. I am not sure what this means for me and my treatment plan. Does this mean that Opdivo is not working? I had hoped that this would work and that I'd do my year and be done with the cancer. That may still be true if this biopsy comes back negative for it being cancer. In my heart though I don't feel that is going to be the case. I have read so many people say how it just keeps coming back. Honestly, I can handle that. I can handle it coming back as long as we keep fighting it and that it doesn't take me. I'm not ready to travel down that road. I still have fight left in me even if some days it ...

 It's been a while since I have written. I'd like to say that it's been because I have been so busy but truthfully it's just cause I haven't known what to say. What to really write about. Things are going about as good as they can go. I have had four immunotherapy treatments. The treatments themselves aren't so bad. It takes about thirty minutes. They have left me feeling pretty tired and not altogether feeling that great. Some days are worse than others. Like right now I am feeling a little queasy. It can come on really fast. I suppose though if that is what it is going to take for me to feel better and be okay in the long run then I will have to deal with it. I had my first post surgery pet scan on Friday. I get the results on Tuesday. I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that the report comes back good. It's hard not to worry about it. Or to make people understand my worry. In the end they aren't the ones dealing with it. So how can they really un...

 Recovery is a process. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes everything you've got.  I am three and a half months post surgery. I am nine and a half months into this cancer battle. I have had good days. I have had bad days. I have had okay days. I've even had days where I want to just give up. I think to myself that I can't do anymore. I can't handle anymore. I hate being sick. I want to be able to eat and not feel like I am going to vomit everything and then some from inside my stomach. I am just starting my year long immunotherapy treatment. Something I have come to realize is that while I am recovering from surgery, recovering my radiation and chemo. Recovery isn't just related to those things. Recovery can be so much more.  I have days where I feel so down. So frustrated. So scared. I try hard not to dwell on those feelings. I try hard not to even let myself think of those things. But I do. It's hard for those that aren't physically going through i...

 It's been a bit since I have posted. So much has been going on. I am three months post surgery. I am doing really well. Mild pain but I am able to tolerate it without medication. I have begun my immunotherapy treatment and I get mildly sick from that but aside from that there haven't been any side effects. I've gone back to work. Been back for a few weeks now. I am only working part time which is good. I needed to get back to work. I was losing my damn mind staying home all the time. My mind can be a terrible place to live in sometimes. Especially when I have been home for so long and am feeling relatively well. I try to get out every day and exercise. I do pretty well with that. I am up to about 2 1/2 miles a day. Which is really good. I don't tire like I use to when I first started out. I remember when I first started exercising again after surgery that I could barely make it three houses. Now I am managing to go miles. I know that I still have a long ways to go befo...

 Day 257 of being held prisoner: That's how I feel sometime's. Mostly so when I am feeling halfway decent. Which lately I have been. Not saying that I don't have moments because I do. Boy oh boy do I. I still get sick a lot when I eat. I have been keeping track of what makes me sick and I am really leaning towards that I may need to eat snack type foods versus small meals. I made banana and apple chips and can handle those pretty well. Also cereal. Water is a must have for me. It seems to settle my stomach down. Granted the being sick isn't as bad as it was so my hopes is that eventually it'll all settle down. Every week gets better.  Hopefully by the end of the year I'll be able to eat half way normal again.  I am going to start an immunotherapy called Opdivo. We are waiting to see if the compassionate care program will cover the cost of the drug because it's in phase 2 and 3 of trials. My oncologist told me that they have had very good success with it. I a...

 Someone posed a very good question today.  Did I feel trapped?  Both yes and no. I say that because sometime's I do feel trapped and other times I don't. I guess amid all of the pandemic and everything else yes in some ways I am trapped. At the beginning of the pandemic everything was closing down and you were limited on where you could go. Plus nobody wanted someone like me, and by that I mean with a compromised immune system due to the cancer, going anywhere in case that I caught the virus. I have been very lucky and blessed and I have not caught the disease. So in the sense of the pandemic yes I suppose we are all trapped.  If you are speaking do I feel trapped because of the cancer then I am not entirely sure how to answer that. In some ways yes because I am trapped here in my body with this awful disease. I can't just snap my fingers and it all be gone. Here I am dealing with this disease in my body, battling this cancer and that's not something that anyone oth...