The ugly side of cancer

I know, you'd think that everything about cancer is ugly. But it's not. Someday I'll write about that good side of cancer. Tonight though I feel the need to write about the ugly side. The side that drags me down. Sometimes it's hard to tell my parents how I really feel. I just say yeah I'm okay or I'm just tired. When in reality it's very taxing to deal with all of it. I know that I am not in this alone but they also aren't the ones going through it physically. They aren't the ones that have to figure out how to live day to day with this disease. I just finished my 3rd round of chemotherapy and it is absolutely draining. I want to go back to work and when I am home and not doing too much of anything I feel really good. I'm not overly tired, I can get up and around but once I am up and around it doesn't take much to leave me utterly exhausted. Not only does it leave me physically exhausted it leaves me mentally down as well. Today I went and had my pump removed and then went grocery shopping with my stepmom. Last night I fell asleep rather early and slept pretty decently but after shopping I was exhausted. I came home and pretty much slept the rest of the afternoon and have been left feeling not that great. So I am sitting here trying to gather the energy to write because I am frustrated and feeling down on myself. I'm frustrated because I want my life back. My normal life. I don't like being so tired all of the time. I also know that it may only get worse. It does something to you mentally sitting here all the time. Then there is the hair loss. I was told that I shouldn't lose all of my hair but that it may thin out. Every time that I shower more and more of my hair falls out. It takes it's toll on you to see that. To feel like you are losing another part of your identity to cancer. I know that this is all only temporary and that before I know it that this will all be behind me. I hope that day comes sooner rather than later.