How do I really feel?

How do I really feel about all of this? I can answer that in one word. Terrified. I am down to my bones terrified of everything that is going on. I expect that one would be given the circumstances. I am no different to that. I often get told that I have stayed pretty positive and in good spirits throughout this whole ordeal. I can say that is true. I try to at least. I put on a brave face and smile and act like everything is okay. The whole fake it till you make it comes to mind. I had my consult with my thoracic surgeon today. He truly pulled no punches when he laid out the surgery to me. It's a two surgeon surgery so I have had to meet with both surgeons. It's a very complicated and complex surgery that the recovery is going to possibly be very grueling. The appointment today is prompting me to write this. Mainly because I am absolutely terrified of the surgery. I'd opt out of doing it if I could. It's not an option though. Everyone says that it'll go good that everything will turn out alright. They've been saying that since the beginning of this whole ordeal. I appreciate the sentiment. I appreciate the support but it truly does get frustrating because it's not them going through all of this. It's me. I've said that time and time again. Yes, my family and friends are with me throughout all of this but they are not physically in my shoes. They aren't in my head. They can't feel what I am feeling. My dad constantly asks me if I am okay and is constantly smothering me. He asks me all the time if I am okay and he doesn't understand that I do know that he is worried and if I tell him that I am not okay or that I just don't feel good or am tired then I start getting the phone calls or even being asked more if I am okay. My mom tells me that she feels guilty because there isn't much that she can do. I told her today about the update for the surgery and she told me she was crying because I'll be in there alone and spend two weeks in the hospital alone. The fact is. I prefer it. Let me heal in peace. Let me rest and recoup. Let me hurt and heal and cry in peace without feeling like I am going to be smothered and peppered with the questions of am I okay because throughout all of this no I am not okay. I am not okay because in the back of my mind and it's been trying so hard to push to the forefront is the questions of " What if?" and along with it the fear. I try so hard not to let it push through but it does and then I break down and cry. What if the scan tomorrow doesn't come back clean? What if this is something that I can't beat? What about the surgery? What happens if there are complications? What happens if it all goes south? I try not to think about these things. I try not to let myself dwell on them because if I do then I feel like I'll crack and I have to be strong because I feel like if I show any weakness to my family then they'll get upset and I won't be able to get the emotional support that I need. So instead I have kept it all in. Sometimes I just feel like, especially with my dad, why can't I get upset and be emotional without it pushing him to the extreme of having to call me constantly or every time I am near him he feels like he has to touch me or hug me. Then with my mom sometimes I feel like she is so distant with it, that she doesn't want me to feel like she is smothering me or anything like that so she stays back. Neither of my sisters have really checked in on me. A few times at the beginning. Both have helped with bills but unless I send an update out they don't really seem to care. I know that's not true but you'd think in a time like this I'd be able to lean on my sisters. Surprisingly in all of this has been my brother. From day one his first response was " What do we need to do?" He is my medical power of attorney. That was a difficult decision to have to do. To know that this surgery and disease is what it is to have to make that decision. To have to sit there and think about all of this and sometimes not knowing what the best decision to make is can all be very overwhelming. Today really overwhelmed me. It really is starting to sink in that this surgery is going to happen sooner rather than later and that it's coming quick. Needless to say if you were to ask me today how I feel I'd tell anyone that I am terrified.