She believed she could, so she did. A cancer patient journey

I wonder if I am ever going to be able to eat normally again. I can't tell you how long it's been since I have had anything to eat without either having difficulty swallowing or throwing it back up. I know it's been a long time. I told myself starting chemo will shrink the tumor and I'll be able to eat without having to use the feeding tube or choking on food. Now I've done chemo and radiation and everything is all inflamed and my stomach is all kinds of messed up so I am stuck having trouble swallowing again and even if I am able to it doesn't stay down very long. I have been awfully sick. The radiology oncologist says that this will last a couple of weeks before I start getting better. In the meantime it sucks because I constantly feel sick and hungry. I guess that is a good sign. Being hungry. Just not being able to eat. Smoothies and soft foods are my go to foods right now. I can only keep counting down the days till I start to feel normal again. Or as norma...

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. DO. THIS. ANYMORE.

I get asked a lot about my initial reaction to being told I have cancer. How did I feel? How did the doctor tell me? Did I suspect I had cancer? I still sometimes think to myself that this is all just a huge nightmare. I'll wake up at any moment because this isn't something that is suppose to happen to me. I don't deserve this. The truth is nobody deserves cancer and cancer doesn't wait. It doesn't pick and choose who it infects. My initial reaction was shock, dismay. Never denial. I remember being told that I had a malignant tumor and immediately started crying. I just kept thinking the worst. I kept thinking that I am going to die. I wouldn't be able to beat this. I know those were not healthy thoughts but those were the immediate thoughts that went through my head. I knew that we didn't have a lot of information in those first few days, just knew it was a tumor and a pretty big one at that. Those first few days while waiting to see the oncologist and have...

It's been a bit since I have taken the time to sit down and write here. That reason being I have started radiation as well as chemo and it really has kicked my ass. It has taken my exhaustion to a whole new level and has left me pretty much sleeping a lot of the time. Some days I don't even get out of bed. And if I do, I simply move to the couch and sleep there. I typically go out for treatment and then home. Over the past weekend, 4th of July weekend, I went over to my dads to help set up for the family get together on Friday and then on Saturday for the 4th. I spent the next two days straight in bed barely staying awake. By the end of the night on the 4th I was so exhausted I could barely function. It can get to be fairly frustrating and take a toll on you mentally. I have had to keep telling myself that this isn't permanent. I only have a week and a half of radiation left and one last chemo left. They said it'll take a few weeks for the radiation exhaustion to work i...

Cancer is such a horrible ugly disease. I can't even begin to tell you how it makes one feel. Unless you are going through it or have gone threw it then you can't really ever understand. You can only imagine. That doesn't even compare. The risk for suicide among patients with cancer rises significantly the first year after the diagnosis. I can see and understand why some people who have been diagnosed with cancer end up taking their lives. It's not always about the financial burden or having their loved ones see them potentially die. It's about how it really makes you feel. You aren't able to do the things that you use to do. Getting up in the morning is a task in itself. Doing laundry, or cleaning takes everything out of you. All the doctor's tell you that you need to try to do something every day to keep yourself going. Take a short walk, create a project and finish it. They say it like it's all so simple. I know they know it's not. It's part o...

I started my radiation treatment this week. The worst side effects are the nausea and the fatigue. The fatigue is probably the worst. It amazes me how easily I become tired. Down to the bone drained. I can't do the things that I use to do. It can be very frustrating. I don't have the strength or the energy. I know that the further along in radiation that I go, the worse the effects will be. I'm not looking forward to that but I know that it's a part of the process. It brings me down though. The simple act of going to the store and walking around shopping can wear me out to the point that I have to come home and can't do anything else the rest of the day. I have to think about what I have planned the next day and see if I can manage to even do it. Tomorrow is Father's Day and I am suppose to drive out to my moms and there is a huge part of me that is just dreading the thought of it because right now I feel so exhausted and I know that tomorrow I'll probably f...

I am only a few days away from starting my second round of chemo treatments. This time it'll include radiation. I met with the radiology oncologist and had my napping CT scan done and my little blue radiation tattoos. I am waiting on word from the doctor after he looks over everything for final word on what approach they are going to take. The nurse told me today that they have two different treatment options they are looking at for me. He wanted to review my most recent pet scan and then would decide which plan would work best for me. I start my chemo on Monday. It's a different one from before. I'll go once a week every Monday. I don't know how this one will effect me. Then once I start radiation I'll go Monday-Friday for 25 sessions. He told me that I may have some slight pinking of the skin, may be a little sensitive. I might get a cough and shortness of breath in my lungs. He said the most severe would probably be the sore throat that I'd end up with. I...